i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
