I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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