Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm both gender and math confused
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
