I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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