my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
