I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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