Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
