Im at strip club and am horny
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
