Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There's always time for handjobs
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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