I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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