Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
