On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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