If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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