Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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