I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Randomize
