If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
