i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
