Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
