Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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