She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
