im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
