If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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