If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
