girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
