A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize