i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
