Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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