When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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