The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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