For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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