I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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