awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
