I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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