god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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