I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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