even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
