The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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