Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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