Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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