The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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