I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Randomize
