the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
