I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Randomize
