Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My life is pants optional.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
