I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
