smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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