I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
