I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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