I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
