my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
