end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
