I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
