PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
