I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Soap is not a condiment
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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