I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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