It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
