I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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