Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
