If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
