The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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